Saturday, January 31, 2015
How to define nearly 7 years without copying you "A Love Letter" post... I don't know if it can be done, but I'm going to try.
Let's start off with 'Thank You'.
When we first met, I was a broken shell of who I am. The loss of my sister hit me hard and I put on a brave mask and faked my way through the days. And then you came along, with your bubbly optimism, your infectious smile, the way you looked at me... You lit up the darkness, giving me a reason to love and hope again. You put me back together again and gave me purpose. A reason for my heart to beat again. For that, I owe you more than I could ever possibly express and show in just 7 short years.
Though I didn't always show it to your satisfaction, whenever I was down or emotional, you were there for me to hold. And though you've never seen my tears until recently, you have always been my shoulder to cry on. The one to comfort me when I needed to be comforted. The one to pick me up when I was down.
You became my best friend, my partner, soulmate and lover. I've told you secrets that I would never tell another soul. You've made me laugh. You've made me cry. You've made me glare and pout. We've bickered, but never really fought. You made me believe that true love was a real things and that we could always be together. I truly believed that we had the best kind of relationship.
We've been separated for months at a time. And in the same sense we have been inseparable for many more months. We've travelled together. We've lived together. We've met, and been accepted into, the families. We've discovered cosplay and yoga together.
You've inspired me to be a better person. You've made me want to be all that I can be. Not for me, but for you. I wanted to make you proud. Proud of me. Proud that you were with me. That you could tell your friends how in love we were.
And though the feelings are now gone from your side of the bed, please, never stop remembering all the love that we have shared. That love has kept me going when I've felt like I could never go on. It has helped me through so many hard times and you never really knew it.
Sinceriously, Thank You.
Friday, January 30, 2015
I got a haircut. It was needed. It's also a way to symbolically transition into my new "single-hood", even though I am still in complete denial about it. Dani, you see, is a licensed hair stylist and I've relied on her to cut my hair for a number of years now. With her gone, I had to seek out a haircut on my own and actually pay for it. With money. An odd experience, but one I'm going to have to get used to.
But how do I turn a new look into a new me? Inside I'm still the same person, albeit broken and lost, but still me. A new haircut won't turn me into something I'm not. It wasn't make me confident or outgoing. It may make me outwardly more attractive (emphasis on 'may'), but inwardly I'll remain the shy little puppy that I am.
So in short, I don't think a new look creates a new me. You are who you are. You just have to find it. It's all part of the journey I find myself on. And the journey is what counts.
Wednesday, January 28, 2015
Communication. The building block of life, civilization and happiness. And, in my opinion, it is the reason that my relationship fell apart and Dani left me. Or maybe that’s not why she left me and I am just trying to rationalize something that can’t be rationalized. Either way, the fact remains. I am horrible at communication. So is she. Regardless of all that, or perhaps because of it, I am committed to working on my communication skills.
Enter Stephen Amell’s “Sinceriously” Campaign.
The goal is to get Sinceriously into the Oxford English Dictionary. And I fully support the movement. The definition is as follows:
Sinceriously: (sin-ce-ri-ous-ly) adverb
1. The ability to speak freely, openly and honestly; about anything; if you’re going to say something, say it sinceriously.
2. To initiate any action wile spreading as much good karma as possible.
I’ve decided that just working on communication isn’t enough. I want to work on Sincerious Communication. Speaking freely and openly. Speaking honestly about everything. That’s my goal.
I’m the type of person who buries everything deep inside. I’m not easily persuaded to show my emotions or how I feel. I shut down tighter than the prison on Lian Yu and do not open up at all. And it doesn’t only drive Dani insane. It infuriates my friend Cassie to no end. It causes poking and prodding from her. If I don’t give an answer, it at least causes me to think.
Well, I’m done just thinking. I want to communicate, and I only want to communicate Sinceriously. That is my goal. And I’m looking forward to the growth.
There's just a couple of days for the campaign. Proceeds from the Sinceriously shirts go to two deserving charities. Stand for the Silent and Paws and Stripes. You can find them here.
Tuesday, January 27, 2015
First heart break. It sucks. Though I am assuming you are (or were) already aware of that. I was not. Not until now, that is. You might be thinking that Thirty Years Old is unthinkable to be suffering through your first heart break. And you know what? I'm inclined to agree with you. But it has happened. And it sucks. Realizing that your life, the only life that you have known for almost 7 years, is over. I don't even have the words to describe the overwhelming pain that I have gone through emotionally and mentally. I can only imagine how a marriage feels when it falls apart after 20 odd years. I don't want to suffer through this again. Not ever.
That being said, I need to pick up the pieces of myself and reassemble them as best as I am able to. I don't even know how to get started on that, but I will figure it out. And I will become stronger for it. Maybe this is truly a blessing in disguise. I have learned so many things about myself through my time with Dani. I learned who I was. I learned how to love and be loved. I learned that we can overcome long distances and times apart (from our time both together and separate during our Europe trip). I learned to be strong not just for myself but for others too. And now that she's gone it's time to learn even more about myself by looking inwards. It's time to learn who I am on my own.
And how do you define who you are? I always though you defined yourself by what you do and who you surround yourself with. I still believe that's true. But I am also aware that you have to be strong enough to stand on your own when the time comes. And that is something that I've forgotten to be. I've relied on having Dani as my rock for so long and now that she's gone I've lost my footing. I fell into a dark place full of nothing but pain and depression. Now, I'm climbing back on to sure footing. Very slowly, and I haven't gotten very far yet, I'm finding out means to me and me alone. What does that mean for you? That means I'm going to be writing more. Lucky you!!
I'll attempt to keep the heart breaking and depressing stuff off of here for the most part. But if this whole blog thing is going to be a glimpse of who I am, my feelings are invariably going to be spread throughout the posts here. It's just who I am. And if I am going on this journey of self discovery, this would be the perfect outlet for my findings and revelations. And I'm glad you're joining me on the trip.
Tuesday, January 20, 2015
Unfortunately I had lost every nugget of post ideas and story ideas when my iPad got wiped and really, I've been much too lazy to think of something else to post. I did have a wonderful post with the tentative title of "The Disney Debate" centred around Disney's choice to drop the established Star Wars EU in favour of making everything a cohesive canon from this moment forward. I will admit that I was disappointed to hear that my favourite characters may never make it onto the big screen, but Star Wars has a sense of "new and exciting" again, and that is pleasing beyond belief.
I was also toying with the idea of posting some of my short stories on here. Something to keep me writing and honing my skills. As the saying goes: Creativity is a muscle that needs to be exercised. It needs to be cultivated just like any other activity and you can only get better through practice.
But what has really been a recent event in my life is truly what I want to speak on. And that event? Heart Break. I know everyone has gone through it at some point. Luckily for me, I have not. Before now, that is. Sure I've felt similar pain like the loss of a loved one, but this sensation is completely new to me. To know that your loved one is still around, just not loving you anymore. That is a very hard pill to swallow.
See, Dani and I have been together for the better part of 6 years. Almost 7 in fact. She found me just after the loss of my sister and was the one able to sweep the broken bits of me up and reassemble them into the person that I am today. She helped me conquer tragedy that I have never faced before, and then with the loss of my grandfather just over a year and a half ago she helped me again. I owe her so much more than I can ever put down on a single post. Or maybe more than I could ever write and share. Most definitely more than she knows. She is the person that I want to marry. The mother that I want for my children. The person that I want to grow old beside.
And now? She's gone.
It's my fault, really. I had plans of marriage and family. Her plans too, though I took too long to pull the trigger and ask for her hand. Oh, how I would give anything to have her with me right now. By my side and never look back. But, alas, it's not meant to be and I have spent the better part of 3 weeks crying multiple times per day. Which, let me tell you, sucks when you are starting a new job. People start thinking you're crazy. But I don't care what people think of me. This is my hard time to go through, and I'll go through it the way that I can. And if that involves tearing up during a meeting, then I tear up during a meeting.
The worst part, however, is the loss of my best friend. My constant companion. My soulmate. My partner. I know she still wants to be friends. I would dearly love to be her friend. But how do you remain in that friendship? How do you go from intimacy and passion to nothing and still have those casual friendly conversations? Every talk is going to be clouded with pain and regret. At least on my part. On hers? I honestly don't know what is going through her head. No one seems to. And as much as I would love some one to talk sense into her and explain things to me, I don't think it will help. The decision has been made and now we are stuck with the results.
In a nutshell, I would have done anything for this girl. Anything. But my anything doesn't seem to be what she wants and is looking for. Or she doesn't want it from me at least. And that hurts. How do you devote so much time to one person and have everything thrown away because it took too long for them to ask for your hand? Yes, I should have said something earlier. But I said it now. Does that not count for anything? No, I guess not. At least, it doesn't seem to.